What I want to do What I need to do What I love to do
Talking to Trevor A Toussaint was a treat - honest, true, passionate and uplifting. Enjoy.
Who are you?
Well, that’s quite simple – I’m Trevor A Toussaint. But, I am much more than that. Who am I? I am a father. I am a son. I am a brother, I am a cousin, I am an uncle. I am many things. I am a man of colour. I am a black man – a ‘displaced African’, who cooks (vegan!), who practices martial arts. I am also a man who acts and who sings and who writes and directs. I am many things.
What do you do?
At this time, I am doing decorating in my house, with my partner and my kids. I am learning to play the guitar. What I do for a living is act. I am an actor. I am currently a regular on the British soap Hollyoaks, on channel 4 – which is a blessing. It gives me regular work and gives me a regular paycheck. At this juncture, with the lockdown, I haven’t been at work for 8-9 weeks now. I write. I’m currently in the process of writing two plays – one about a cathartic situation around my mother, who passed away seven and half months ago. And the other play is about painting and decorating, because I literally just finished painting and decorating with my partner. I don’t recommend painting and decorating with your partner. I just finished painting and decorating our bedroom, which we swapped with our boys, and our boys’ bedroom, which they swapped with us.
Why do you do what you do?
Well, in terms of acting, I do it because I fundamentally love acting. I love creating characters. I love telling stories. I’ve always been love with telling stories and creating a character and finding out who a character is. My mainstay in acting has been theatre. Recently, I’ve discovered that I’m not a bad TV actor (!) – which I never thought I stood a chance in. I don’t want to do anything else. I keep thinking I want to do other things. I write because I need to write. I act because I need to act. Why do I sing? Because I open my mouth and I sing!
I do what I do because it nourishes my soul, because it feeds me. I don’t know what else I would want to do. I love cooking. I want to open up a restaurant one day – a vegan restaurant. I love cooking as much as I love acting, singing, martial arts, writing, directing. This is what I want, need and love to do.
How/why did you do what you do?
The actor Timothy Spall went to the same school as me – Battersea County School. And I remember watching him doing a performance of the Wizard of Oz, playing the Cowardly Lion. I was 10 and our primary school was invited to Battersea County School to see a play. This happened every year – they put on a big spectacular. This was back in 1970-71. Anyway – Timothy Spall was on stage and he forgot his lines. I’ll never forget this moment – watching this young man, forgetting his lines. Looking at him, standing there in the middle of the stage and then saying “Fuck it! I forgot me lines!” And then he ran off stage, came back with a script, said his lines and, with great aplomb, threw his script over his shoulder and carried on. There was an enormous cheer in the auditorium. What I remember was his confidence, his bravado and his sheer exuberance of life. And I remember thinking – I want to be like him. There was this young man. He swore –back in those days, if you swore at school, it was a big thing. And he was just so confident in what he was doing, it was just an amazing thing to watch. I wanted to be him. I didn’t want to be him, but I wanted the confidence that he had. I wanted to be able to do what he did, and I thought – whatever it is that he does, I want to do it. And it was acting. I fell in love with acting there and then. I happened to have a teacher at school called Jenny Buckman who went on to become the head of drama at RADA. She ran a theatre company called Common Stock, which I went to a couple of times during the summer. I really loved the way she taught drama and her love of plays. I remember doing Of Mice and Men with her and thinking – I love this. I just love doing this. I just love being on stage. Loved the lights, the audience, creating a character, learning lines. The excitement, the thrill, putting on a costume for the first time, seeing the set for the first time. I just… ahh. I can’t begin to tell you the depth of wonderment – telling the story and then the audience reacting – feeling their reaction. Yes!
What are you without it?
I am still Trevor. I’m still a father, I’m still a son, I’m still a part of society, I’m still a black man. I’m still a lovable, caring, supportive human being, with foibles. I’m still all of those things. Without my acting? I’ve never really thought about what I would be without it, because it is what I do. I’ve had many different other jobs, but I’ve always come back to performing. I suppose, even more than an actor, I am a performer. Potentially without it, I am a different version of myself. And I don’t know what that version would be, to be honest. Could I live without doing what I do? Yes. Of course. Because I am a survivor. I’ve survived many crises in my life and I would find something else to throw myself into with equal aplomb and love.
How/where are you in this present situation?
I started off in this present situation trying to do. And I don’t know what I was trying to do. I was reading scripts for the show that I’m in and then I stopped because it was a pointless exercise because I knew I wasn’t coming back any time soon – the scripts I was reading would be null and void. I started off maniacally trying to exercise and then I got ill. And I was ill for approximately three weeks and I came out of that realizing that I don’t particularly have to do anything, so where I am now is trying to be. The decorating with my partner – it’s not been an easy process. It’s been quite challenging for both of us. I’ve discovered a lot about myself. I’ve discovered that I’m quite needy and I need people to tell me if I’ve done well. I like for the work I’ve done to be appreciated. I’ve discovered that I can be quite intolerant at times. I’ve discovered that I have a controlling streak. I’ve discovered that I like to people please. It’s not all negative – I’ve discovered that I am a hard worker and I will start a job and go on until it is finished. I have dreams and I have aspirations, things I want to accomplish.
This present situation has taught me that I am enough. I am enough.
I’m with my family in Brixton. I am physically well. Mentally - challenging. Spiritually – growing. I am in a state of uncertainty of not knowing what the future holds. And I’m trying to keep it in the present as opposed to looking back to the past with longing regret or longing to have or longing for. I’m in a state of flux. I have no idea where we’re going throughout this pandemic. The world is changing - has changed around us. At the moment, I’m seeing that we’re slowly heading out of lockdown. It’s interesting to see people queueing constantly for everything and keeping away from everybody – social distancing. And then it’s interesting to see people not conforming to any of those maxims, those laws, those legislations. People have seemingly had enough. People seem to want to get back to what is considered normality. But that doesn’t mean that it is normal for everyone.
I am in a place where I refuse to be governed by fear. I am a survivor from many different things. I am a recovering addict and I have survived many traumas in my life. I’m at a point where I no longer want to be ruled by fear, because my life was always fear-based. I’m in a place of flux, of uncertainty, of not knowing what’s going to happen in the future. But, at the same time, I am at peace with that uncertainty and that flux and the not knowing. Because, not knowing is okay. I just have to be in the present and try to keep myself in the moment.
I connect to what I do, I believe in what I do. And that’s not just the acting, but in all things. I do things with an open heart, a willingness to learn, a willingness to give my all, with as much honesty as I can. I do it with the support of others. By turning up every day and being present. By embracing what I do. With the ability to shift and to change and to learn and to be flexible. And when I say it’s not just connected to acting - for example, I’m now doing this blog, and I’m doing it to the best of my ability. I’m doing it with truth. It helps me and if it helps me, it helps my family. I do what I do with love and with compassion for myself. That’s really important.
What can we do?
I’m answering this question after having witnessed the murder of George Floyd. What can we do? We can connect. We can unite. We can speak out. We can embrace. We can support. We can love. We can be outraged and we can say enough is enough. We can grow. We can stand up for ourselves. And I’m not just talking about black, here. What can we do as people of colour? Right now, we can heal. We can heal each other. We can embrace each other and want the best for each other. We can look at the similarities and differences between us. We can realize that we are human and our lives matter. We can chant that from the rooftops. We can hold hands across the universe. We can remember our ancestors. We can blog, talk, film, sing, compose, walk, embrace, sit, meditate. Connect. We can do whatever we need to do to heal this world.
What do you consider your future to be in this pandemic? How are you coping?
I’m coping by embracing my family, by talking to my partner. By meditating, by reading, connecting with others, by my self-help recovery program. I am coping by sharing and listening. By writing. There’s no one way.
I don’t know what my future is. I have no clue. I’ve been asked if I’m ready to go back to work – I am. I know it will not be what it was in the past. I know that I’ve shifted in my thoughts about where I was and what I’m going to be. But I don’t know what that shift looks like in reality. It can’t just be about turning up and looking good, or trying to be part of this culture of instant – Instagram, insta-Facebook, insta-this, insta-that. I’m an old dog, you know! I’ve got no clue about what these young people are doing. But I know there’s got to be more than just the shallowness of it. What you two are doing is wonderful. You’re giving us space. Acting will still be a part of my future because, as I said before, I cannot not do it – it is what I do. Writing is definitely going to shape my future. What stories will I write? What stories will I want others to see?
What was ‘performing’ before?
Before, performing was a connection. In some ways, it was a validation, looking for approval. I don’t think that’s what it is now. Teaching and learning and the need to tell the stories. The need to connect to others – on a physical, spiritual and emotional level. That’s what performing was for me. It was also me connecting to myself and finding myself and challenging myself and knowing myself. And I think all of those things apply now. Less so the seeking validation and looking for approval. Less of that. That’s not the reason for performing. It’s connection, building, empowering plus the freedom and empowerment of others. And there’s room for all of this.
How do you see performance going forward?
Live performances? Going forward, with what we’re living through now? Difficult. It will be interesting to see how theatres and concert halls work. What will a ‘performance’ mean? What are we trying to say, if anything? There is room for just “entertainment”. And there’s room for building and growth and connection and love. I think all performance is about connection. That symbiotic relationship between the performer, audience, the house, the building, the people who are front of house, the people who are upstairs in the offices, the people who run the buildings, the people who keep the buildings open. You know – one of the most beautiful experiences I ever had – I did a show called The Harder They Come. And one night, we got it. I mean, we got it on other nights, but this one night, we got it. What I mean by that is, we knew, that night on stage, that every single person in that building (and not just talking about the audience), every single person in that building at Stratford East, at that moment in time, when the curtain went down, we GOT IT. It wasn’t a press night, it wasn’t a preview. It was a show. And everyone felt it. There was an electric buzz, atmosphere, feeling – connection – that happened in that theatre that night. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
That’s what I would like to see, going forward. And I don’t know how that’s going to be accomplished. I have no clue.
What is the purpose of performing? Connection and growth and love and support. Engaging. Life. It’s an integral part of us.
Blessings and Protection. To everyone.