Listen with your heart.
Hazel Holder - voice and dialect coach, actor, singer. We had a beautiful chat about mice, men, lions and navigating the high seas. Read on - it makes sense.
Photo: Helen Murray
Who are you?
I am a black woman, navigating the arts industry. I truly feel that “navigating” is the right word, because there are, so often, stormy seas. I am a voice and dialect coach, and an actor and singer. I’m a black woman who has performance and creating in my blood. I was always creating in my head - creating something out of the situation I was in. My dad is a musician (he’s 83!) and my sister Alison is a producer. Many family members were and are connected to the arts.
Have you always thought that you were navigating?
No. And yes! Yes – because I had a feeling that all working class people within the arts had this cross to bear and no - because I didn't think I was any different to the experiences that I saw of many of those around me.
I was navigating one particularly rough sea around 2010 when I was still acting and being directed by a white, male Oxbridge director. The character I auditioned for could be anything. I’d auditioned using a Yoruban accent, because I had just finished Death and the Kings Horseman at the National. The character was strong and energetic, so I thought – let me make her Yoruban. I got the job but after the first day read through, I was told - “Ah…. You know – when we did this show in the West End, the (white) woman who played this character, played her as Italian. How about if you played her as Italian.” So that’s what I did; the play was absurdist so anything was possible. Then we finish the final rehearsal room run and I’m told – “you know…., playing Italian. It’s not working. Do you think, before we tech, you can go back to being African?” You mean Nigerian Yoruban. Let’s be specific, here. And you need to tell the rest of the cast. I’m not turning up on day one of tech, with cast members wondering what’s going on. And, of course, he didn’t tell the rest of the cast. I was on stage with people who were, literally – “what the…??” Holding their heads.
So I stop the scene and the director, embarrassed, is busy clicking his fingers. My name clearly couldn’t come quickly enough to him…. He’s clicking his fingers and I’m saying – Hazel. My name is Hazel. I was pissed.
About five years later, he is an AD and I’m cast in a production at his theatre. Imagine his surprise when we have the first day introductions. Hazel Holder. Performer. Let me look you in the eye as I place my name in the space.
So, in this forced hiatus that we all have, how have you been able to “navigate the navigation”?
I’ve reflected on the navigation by using the time to understand my own thinking processes. I’m having energetic and physical therapy sessions with a wonderful counselor called Charmaine McCaulay (www.kokorotherapy.co.uk). It is really important for me to speak to a black woman. No explanation needed! And we use her Body Talk technique, which the drama queen in me loves! This is a good time, in this down time - this forced hiatus - for me to actually take time for myself. To really make sure that when I go back into spaces with people whose energy does not align with my energy, that I can stay true to me and handle situations in a way that doesn’t diminish myself – also doesn’t diminish others – but specifically does not allow me to be diminished.
There have been and are very few spaces where I experience real collaboration. But this industry is about negotiation and collaboration and I spent too much time and energy (as an actor) building habits within myself that created a mouse in certain spaces. The reality is – how my family and close friends know me – I’m a lion! I’m the person who – if you want to get it done, ask Hazel to sort it. Why am I suddenly a mouse in these spaces? I’m re-evaluating my belief systems and changing my thinking, going back to the essence of myself and not the self who has become the spaces that I have navigated.
Do you think that this “epiphany” would have occurred at a different time if we hadn’t had this enforced downtime? Were you getting there or was this just perfect timing that offered you this gift?
It is perfect timing but I had already started the journey of looking at my thought process. Some recent experiences forced me to look at how my thinking was enabling particularly negative situations. I was covering on a television show and was able to spend time observing. And I observed a lot of behaviour from women that were serving the men - even women who were in positions of power and status. This is really a male orientated world. Even when it shouldn’t be. Even when the power balance isn’t actually male, it’s male-orientated. It’s so tiring and a waste of energy trying to be in spaces that don't really make space for you to be there – the constant push. Fast forward to this year and I started working on a television show that has female energy. Ahhhh….. Now this space, as a woman, as a black woman – I feel no need to have an energy that is protecting myself - pushing or meeting something. I can actually just… be in this space.
In light of George Floyd and how that has rippled through the artistic community, what is it like being in an all – or mostly – black space?
Well. I was in a very beautiful space a few weeks before lockdown, because we were filming in Durban, in South Africa. I’d say 90% of the people working on set were black. I felt like I could breathe out. We were the majority. Not “minority ethnic”. My heart felt euphoric. Absolutely euphoric. And there was a definite feeling of – I didn’t have to explain anything. There was just a real sense of… a real sense of – being myself. I could be the different parts of me. I could be the person that’s hitting the dance floor – hard! Or quiet and observant. Or the person having an intense conversation about the responsibility of black diaspora investing more in Africa. I just found it beautiful. It was talking about life. And life involved talking about silly social media posts and serious life challenges. Just beautiful.
Whether people want to admit it or not, the pandemic has forced us to consider a different way of working – mostly in a practical sense. Because you have had the opportunity to really acknowledge yourself now – whenever we come out or come through this pandemic – are you more clear about the way you want to work?
First of all, I want to work but I want to work safely through this pandemic. I am definitely, currently working from home and as someone who has underlying health concerns, I’m not doing this [crosses fingers] with my life or my family’s lives, thank you very much. And especially in a time where productions or institutions are just trying to cover their ass so they can say they have black creatives or a black member of staff. They need to do the work of also seeing the person not just the skin colour. I also need to feel safe and supported in the space mentally and physically so will choose who I work with carefully.
I’m definitely being the lion again in terms of asking for what I need. I’m someone who used to see something and say – no! That’s not right! Unjust! This is what I mean by navigating spaces – I learnt to stop being the person that spoke out because I was always being labelled a troublemaker. I’m not being a troublemaker. I’m just not aligning myself with your values. So, yes, now – I’m asking for what I need. Definitely. I encourage others to do the same.
Let’s assume that the pandemic is over! Everybody’s had a vaccine and we’re all safe and healthy. Can you continue aligning yourself with your needs? The need to not be silenced, the need to not be labelled and the need to be who you are and say what you want. There’s a weird magic to this pandemic and it’s allowed us to figure out so much about ourselves. Can you keep going with the “what you want”?
We need to keep going with ‘what we want’ and ‘what we need’. Otherwise any ground gained will be for nought. This young generation has the energy and the right to say “no”. They are not putting up with what we had to put up with in the past. And that’s a blessèd place to be right now. So, I take a leaf out of the millennial book of living and continue to ask for what I need. Pre-pandemic I was working with people who were interested in creating conversation around the challenges we faced during filming. My requests were being heard rather than getting shut down (which has happened often previously). So I keep creating the habit of asking for what I need.
Because you’ve changed, are you trying to change everything else? To make a more equal environment? Through your profession, through the arts, through helping every creative, if possible?
There’s a definite need in me to be the carer. To say – it’s okay, don’t worry; to take on the responsibility of effecting change. Although, I’ve learned, the hard way, that sometimes I have to let it be what it is in that moment, clock it and know that I won’t let a situation evolve again. I’m currently mentoring two early career voice coaches but I’ve also learned over the years, that if l don't look after myself, (and not fight every battle), I’m no good to others anyway. A good way for us all to create that level playing field is to work with partner organisations such as Stage Sight (www.stagesight.org). They work with productions to create a more diverse workforce behind the scenes. We see all too often the hollow ticking of boxes with black and brown faces in front of the camera or on stage but none backstage.
What can we all do? During this time, after this time – what can we do?
I think that one of the first things that we need to do is listen to each other; especially the people who have done a lot of the talking over years. In the not so distant past, I was writing some notes and as I stood up I had a hand on my shoulder to stop me rising. It was a male hand - a white, male hand. He was standing over me, watching me making my notes. I remember thinking to myself – “hmmm – you didn’t even ask. You just presumed you knew what and how I was going to communicate with the actor or director.” I’ve never experienced a female producer do that to me. Never. There has always been a conversation (no matter how brief) in order that we can all make an informed assessment of the situation.
So, what do we do? What can we do? I don’t even think it’s us – as black women! I think we facilitate spaces where we listen to people. You’re listening to me now. We facilitate spaces where we listen to each other really generously. I think those who don’t listen to people generously are the people who need to start re-evaluating that question. This experience is borne from being a woman, a black woman, a voice and dialect coach. It comes from me having that actor/inquisitive quality of just wanting to observe. I see uncompassionate people engaging in conversations that are very one-sided unable to even acknowledge that the other person may be in pain when asking for what they need. And I see people walking away, knowing they weren’t listened to. They articulated what they needed but they know it didn’t penetrate the armour and that nothing will actually change. I think that until people listen with an open heart and have empathy…. Really listen… without a defensive attitude…
We have to make space in our hearts to listen to each other. With our hearts. Our hearts. Because until we start to listen, until certain people start to really listen we can’t make steps towards change.