An act of self-love
In our conversation with Sèverine Howell-Meri, it became very clear that this young woman is sure - of her past, her present and her future. Join us in this recognition and celebration of self.
What have you done since the beginning of the pandemic?
At first, nothing. I took a break. When lockdown first hit, it was a really scary thing because nobody knew what was going on. At the same time, it felt a little like a blessing in disguise for me, because I was exhausted. I had done panto over the holidays, took a huge break in January and had started getting auditions again in March when the pandemic hit. At first, I didn’t do anything. I was offered a job and literally two hours after I got it, it was taken away because the country I was going to was put on lockdown. I didn’t even have a chance to miss it. So, I thought I’d sit about for a little bit. Then I moved and moving was quite difficult because a lot of people were scared and there was a lot of fear going around. I’m now living with my partner in this wonderful flat which I’m really grateful for. That was a distraction as well, because we were building up our home, our little safety nook, away from everything.
Then, as the weeks turned into months, I started to think about if I wanted to go back to work and what kind of reason would I give myself for doing so. I started to have a proper think about why I do what I do. Why am I an actor? Why am I a creative person? Why do I sing? Why do I do all of that? I started taking workshops with really amazing creatives, one of which was Rikki Beadle-Blair. He talked about reinvention and finding your purpose in the arts and when I did some workshops with him, he posed some really, really interesting questions and simple exercises. When we did them in depth, I figured out why I did what I do. Once I’d done that, I started writing because I couldn’t be acting. I’ve been doing a lot of writing and really enjoying it. I’ve also started my Youtube Channel over lockdown sharing advice to actors during this time and I adore it. Taking full ownership of my work in that way and providing free advice to others like the advice I received has been very rewarding.
Why do you do what you do?
I do it because I want to prove that somebody like me, who hasn’t done three years of training and who was fairly young when she started working, is able to do the things that she has dreamed of, since she was very young. I want that to be an example to other people who are going to do it, too. And I really want to prove to people that, if you’re really frustrated at not seeing exciting stories for you or yourself represented in the stories that you watch, you can create your own. I want to create my own stories, I want to write really exciting characters for myself and my loved ones, so that we are doing the work that other people told us that we couldn’t do. I want to do what other people have said is really difficult and not possible and do it really well.
Were you told it wasn’t possible? Did you experience barriers?
Yeah, there have definitely been barriers and people have told me I’d only do certain things because of the way that I look. I remember someone told me that I would only get cast in roles because of my appearance, not for my acting. People have definitely said not-so encouraging things. But, I enjoy that because it’s a challenge and it’s like “ok, cool, I look forward to exceeding your expectations of me". I enjoy it when people underestimate me because then it gives me a reason to work really hard. However, I like working hard for myself first, above anything else. I’m trying to move past those feelings of wanting to please other people and please myself first instead.
I’ve always wanted to perform. I’ve always loved performing. It’s the one thing that has never felt like a chore and that’s something I’ve held onto from when I was really, really young. Before the pandemic I was getting very caught up in the industry side of things, thinking about money as well as exposure and popularity. I was starting to prioritise those over the craft and the creating. I had to take step back and look at myself. I didn’t want it to become a chore, something to do to pay the rent. I mean, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that and many of us have had to go there and that’s ok, but I have to love everything that I do or it will become really difficult for me. I did have these thoughts before the pandemic but Corona has also forced me to think about it this way.
I think I was getting there before lockdown. I was making more decisions about what jobs I took before the pandemic. Now I feel like I’ve had a bit of a restart, a bit of a reboot. I’m going to start looking at my scripts with the same excitement that I did when I first started a couple of years ago. Before lockdown, I found myself getting bored at the theatre but now I’m excited about it again so I’m really grateful for that. It’s reminded me why I love it.
“Bored before lockdown”. What would have happened if there were no lockdown?
Ooh, that’s an interesting question. I definitely would have carried on. I’m working on Hanna Season 3 at the end of the year, so I would have been doing that sooner than we’re about to and I love being a part of that show so much. If lockdown hadn’t happened... I wouldn’t have quit but I would like to think that I would have eventually started asking myself these questions because I was feeling frustrated by the kind of work I was doing before anyway.
I think what was frustrating me was the kinds of stories I was seeing for the black and brown people in the industry, as opposed to the actual job. I really do like looking at scripts and bringing them to life but I was frustrated at the lack of detail for some parts, especially for my darker skinned friends who were put up for roles in similar shows. As a mixed-race woman, I have a lot of privilege, in the sense that the industry kind of sees me as a “more acceptable” version of blackness sometimes. I have a really hard time with that. I think with lockdown and everything that happened this summer, people are beginning to think differently, which is great. It’s about time, but it’s great it’s finally happening.
Are these changes a window of opportunity or are they here to stay?
It’s really difficult to say. I think we’ve seen a lot of performative ally-ship over the summer, which is disheartening because that does make it feel like a window. I think people are inspired to tell stories that haven’t been told before and that makes me think it’ll have much longer lasting effects. I have to think that they will stay, otherwise I’ll go crazy. I have to think it’s not just a “moment”.
What was different about this moment?
What was different was that it was happening during a global pandemic. It forced people to pay attention to it. Everything else has to stop but amongst a pandemic, racism is still happening. It made people pay attention in a way they haven’t before. Some of my white friends didn’t see why it had to happen when it wasn’t safe to protest in large groups. My reaction was that there was a bigger lens on it because of the pandemic but essentially, it was the same conversation that had been going on for a really long time. It was just amplified by the fact the world had come to a stop.
Is it now your responsibility – your job – to educate?
I don’t think it’s just my responsibility but I do have a responsibility to ask questions about the way things are done now, particularly as someone who is new and coming into it, because that’s part of my learning. I learn through asking questions. In that way I’m very lucky to be working with Amazon Prime and doing shows with them. And now, given that I’ve built relationships with lots of people that work there, for me - I just want anti-racism on set to be a normal conversation. That’s all I ever wanted, so I do feel like I have a responsibility. For example, if I’m the only person of colour on set (which I have been), no one else is going to bring that up but me.
You said you always knew you wanted to perform.
I remember when I first started to learn to play the guitar and sing in shows that I did at music school on weekends - it made people feel very happy when they heard me play music. I like making people happy and making people smile.
Do you need to see the responses of others? If you couldn’t see their joy, would you still do it?
Yes. It’s not just that it makes people happy, there’s another side. What makes me happy is the accomplishment, particularly with singing. With singing I go into more detail than I would with acting, the work is harder maybe because it’s more muscular for me. The voice is muscular, you have to keep it working to keep it going. Even if no one were watching, I would feel very proud of myself when I’ve learnt to sing something difficult. There’s a huge joy when I make a noise I couldn’t make two weeks ago, when I hear what I’m capable of through time and practice. It’s the discipline of it that I love, which is difficult, but the results are rewarding to myself. It’s a bonus it makes other people happy. It’s an act of self-love, in loving myself and loving what I do. Then I can offer that to other people. With acting there’s a similar feeling, especially if I’ve had to learn an accent or delve into someone that’s very different from me. It’s the study of it all and applying it in person. When I watch Hanna for example - the first time I watched it, I felt really self-conscious (which is quite rare - I’ve gotten used to watching myself back because I have to do it all the time). When I watched it with my family I felt really proud of myself because I had worked hard on constructing this person from scratch and felt privileged to be given the role.
The only TV roles before that were guest roles on Casualty and Doctors. On Casualty, I was only in for one day but it was incredible. The level of detail they went into was amazing to film only one scene. Doctors was the complete opposite! I was a guest role named part throughout the episode. I was in for two days but it was so quick. For actors who haven’t had three years of study, it was such an education, two completely different ends of the spectrum. It was such a great learning experience for me. Because I did more theatre before I did Hanna, I was really nervous. The camera picks up everything. You cannot hide – there is no lying, no covering up. In theatre, you are very vulnerable but onscreen you are for a different reason. Right now I prefer onscreen. After filming Hanna, I went back to theatre. I did panto and I was terrified. It is a different kind of discipline. They are two very different practices and I love them both for different reasons.
Tell us about your writing. Is it for yourself, others or for both?
Both I think. I’m collaborating with Rikki. I’ve contributed to monologue anthologies that he’s writing for three underrepresented groups: LGBTQ+, working class and ethnic minorities. I’ve written one for the ethnic minorities anthology and am currently drafting one for LGBTQ+ anthology. The one for ethnic minorities is based on my own experience and it’s called “Locs". It’s a mixed race child, Jules (any gender) talking to their black mother who has told them that she doesn’t like her child’s locs. When I did faux loc extensions on my hair, my mother said she didn’t like it and we had a conversation about it. I’ve based this character on that experience and made it applicable to anyone. Anyone with a protective style could do it but I made it specifically about locs because I don’t know any monologues about them! Also, locs are permanent and have a lot of historical meaning and I wanted to incorporate these reasons. You tend to write what you know and then change it around.
You’ve mentioned not doing the “Three Years" (drama college). Why is it so important?
For a long time, I wanted to go to drama school and be an actor. I thought drama school was my ride or die and that it would be the only way that I could do well. Now that I haven’t gone and I’m doing things differently, it takes me by surprise how much value and importance I had put on drama school before. There was a big conversation about British actors versus American actors and why lots of Black British actors were getting cast in Black American roles. One argument that was put forward was that people here have a very different approach to performing, drama school being a big part of that and part of the theatre culture here. That could be why. Also - initially, lots of people told me I should go. And then I didn’t get in. Then when I did get in, I turned it down - it wasn’t the right school for me. Having spoken to black and brown recent graduates from that school, I knew they didn’t have enough texts, either written by or featuring black and brown people. Also, I had done a foundation course at drama school and when I left, I did another course called Alt. Actor Training. When I was at drama school, I was one of five out of forty-seven. When I did Alt., there was one white actor out of the sixteen present. I learnt more about myself in the three months of that short course than when I was at drama school for six months. Being surrounded by people that look like you who also love what you do makes a huge difference.
What does the future look like, not just for you but young actors, non-white kids that would like to do this?
I get really excited when I think about it. I see so many people creating their own work with platforms like Instagram, posting short films on there and submitting them to festivals and the bigger side of the industry. The way that lots of people use the tools that are available to us now is really exciting. It’s people taking ownership. When I think a lot of the generation who are in school now, they’ve been through so much. When I was at school, people didn’t talk about racism the way they do now and that was only a few years ago. I get excited about the kinds of things they’ll create because they’ll have less tolerance for bs, even less than those who came before them.
I went to see START at Theatre Peckham. It was their Young Company, 16-25 year olds who were essentially doing their showcase. It was written and directed by Toby Clarke (who also directed me at Alt., so I went to support) and also devised by the Company. Everyone was socially distanced, the seats were in pods of twos and fours. I spoke to some of the cast and Toby about how the rehearsals were and how, because of the safety measures, things have to evolve.
And what happens when there’s nobody (or almost nobody) there with shows?
I don’t think theatre is the same without an audience. I can love the act of reading a script or singing a song without an audience - that’s where my joy starts, but I don’t think theatre works without an audience. I love that some shows were shown online. The National Theatre putting all of their performances online, Hamilton coming to Disney plus was incredible, the accessibility was amazing. But bringing theatre online is not the same kind of replacement. I’d love it to be both from now on - how theatres will be able to manage that, I don’t know but it would be wonderful if that could happen. The way that theatre has moved online has been refreshing because it’s new, but without the audience, it’s not the same thing.
Who are you?
I am Sèverine. I am a daughter. I am a girlfriend. I am a sister. I am a singer, writer, actor. A Youtuber! I am a creative person. I’m a Taurus. And I really love what I do. I love what I do.
